Skip to content
Link copied to clipboard

Let's rethink 'real manhood'

Tony Lapp is codirector of Menergy in Philadelphia President Obama released a statement Monday in response to a question about the video showing former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice punching his then-fiancee in an elevator.

Tony Lapp

is codirector of Menergy in Philadelphia

President Obama released a statement Monday in response to a question about the video showing former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice punching his then-fiancee in an elevator.

The message - "Hitting a woman is not something a real man does" - sadly, needs repeating. Too often, men, responding to lessons drilled into them over their lives, use violence in a misguided attempt to demonstrate their strength.

This view of "real manhood" serves us poorly. It takes other people in our lives to grasp what men do not: Coercion and punishment are simply signs of our unwillingness to handle our own feelings of hurt and vulnerability in a productive way.

The unfortunate reality is that real men do hit women. At Menergy, a counseling program for people seeking help for abusing an intimate partner, we work with hundreds of men every year who have hit their girlfriends or wives. And we also help people see how it is possible to ruin relationships and traumatize family members without using physical force. We work with men whose patterns of harmful behavior have more to do with bossiness and control, yelling and name-calling, snooping and accusations, criticism and threats, or cheating and lies.

As an example for our sons and daughters, and as a strategy for fostering healthy and happy relationships with those who choose to make a home and family with us, we need more than "Hitting a woman is not something a real man does." We need "Real men don't respond to hurt by hurting others." We need "Real men admit their mistakes." We need "Real men can change."

Too few of us, of course, reach for change . . . not without a good push. Rather than look at ourselves in a mirror, too many of us put our partners under a microscope. Our first response to criticism is to obsess over the splinter in the eye of another, ignoring the plank in our own. We defend when we feel threatened, and too many view even valid criticism as a threat.

At Menergy, we work with men who would prefer not to have to come to our program. Sometimes after a bit of verbal tussling, however, many find they are capable of changing both their behavior and their ideas of what makes a real man. They work hard to keep the focus on themselves, to be accountable and honest. After they start to see what an improvement their changes bring to their families, many express gratitude for what they've learned.

Those who change the most are the ones who come humbly, who listen and think, who practice accepting criticism and having their egos wounded without retaliating. Sadly, not every man who walks through the door is willing to set his pride aside and be real enough to do the necessary work.

The president said domestic violence is unacceptable in a civilized society. I hear those words as aspirational, a challenge from the man whose candidacy channeled the hopes of many of us for building a more humane society. As someone working every day with people who both desire and resist personal change, I also know that our civilized society too often accepts violence and abuse in our streets and homes.

I worry that this video of a big, powerful athlete beating his partner will become yet another splinter, a national finding of fault in another. What I would wish, rather, is that the viewing of this one man behaving so very badly will be a moment for the rest of us men to stop and reflect on the ways, big and small, that we all are capable of being punishing and controlling, of using the power we have to try to avoid the natural hurts and fears that are part of the real human experience.