I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
My school colors were clear.
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?