What to avoid...
Here's an example of a description of www.volleyball.org
The Volleyball Organization is your global source of information on the sport of volleyball. Volleyball World Wide offers information on all aspects of the sport of volleyball - from beginner to professional, grade school to college to olympics. This is a wonderful site with an impressive selection of links. The site is put together by the Volleyball Organization and is reliable. One can find an enormous amount of information in the following links within the site itself. General Informaiton (History, Rules,) Playing, Coaching, High School Club, College, Olympics, Professional (AVP, FIVB,WPVA, 4-Person), USA Guide to Volleyball in all 50 States, USA City Guides (Atlanta, Austin, Boston, Chicago,Dallas, Los Angeles, Madison, New York, San Diego, San Francisco/San Jose, Seattle), and International. Over all this is a great site to find information about leagues and general information about volleyball. |
- This is almost a verbatim copy of the first sentence or two from the
site itself.
- Phrases like your global source or "the
Web's number one source" are examples of marketese.
- information on all aspects and an
impressive selection of links are rather vague.
- The name of the organization the Volleyball Organization
is incorrect. It's actually "Volleyball World Wide".
- The site is put together by the Volleyball Organization
and is reliable. How do we know it's reliable? Specific info about
the organization would be more useful.
- The last sentence a great site to find information about leagues and general information about volleyball is useful.
This would be better
If you're interested in finding volleyball leagues in your area, or general information about the game, you might want to look at the Volleyball World Wide website. Particular strengths of their site include state-by-state, and city listings of volleyball organizations, and they also host e-mail discussion lists for volleyballers. Their site also contains the rules of the game, and the history, as well as a schedule of volleyball events--mostly high-profile collegiate, and FIVB international games. The site is put together by "Volleyball World Wide", which appears to be a non-profit organization (.org domain) in California aiming to promote the sport. |