The beginning of the new school year is a time of great excitement as well as some anxiety for new and returning students - and parents,
too! Students learn to navigate their way through campus life, but often yearn for the familiarity of life at home. Parents learn to trust their maturing young adult child, though getting there can bring considerable anguish. Here are a few pointers toward helping you and your student feel a greater sense of control over your lives
Stay in touch. Young people want their independence, but savor the knowledge that they are remembered. Parents often feel the same way! Work with your daughter or son on what feels like “enough” phone calls for both of you. Setting up a schedule for those calls can provide some reassuring structure. Send letters, post cards, and small care packages throughout the year. Include photos, news clippings, and small tokens of everyday life “back home” in your care packages. These items serve as transitional objects for your young adult – and you, too. Of course, while email is very convenient, nothing can replace holding that “stuff” from Mom and Dad in their hands.
Listen. While your son or daughter may want to know the latest news from home, they have stories of their own. Many of those stories may sound confusing to you. There’s a good chance they’re confused about some situations or decision-making, too. Take time to really listen to their stories – ask questions to clarify and reflect what they might mean and how they might feel. Often times, the act of restating their thought is enough to help get them thinking in different ways about their experiences. Your son or daughter will also get an important message: “I care enough to listen to all the ways you feel and think.” This kind of respectful listening has an added benefit: you’re modeling good communication skills. Your own words stand a greater chance of being remembered if you listen carefully first.
Be there – even though you don’t see them every day.
Get to know your student’s schedule. Learn to anticipate and prepare for the ebb and flow of stress on campus. You can be emotionally present by contacting your son or daughter before or after exams, games, performances and presentations. This lets them know you’re there for them during those times of stress.
Navigating relationships during the college years
By Carla Friesen Weldy
Director of Parent Relations
Many students in college today are sharing a room for the first time in their lives. This can be a huge adjustment, regardless of whether the roommates just met or are established friends. Parents can help make this a smoother transition by encouraging their sons and daughters to settle differences with their roommates before the situation becomes overwhelming.
Phil Good-Elliott, director of counseling services at Goshen College, advises parents to model active-listening skills with your daughter or son before offering suggestions. By listening and asking questions to fill in the picture before offering comment, you encourage them to do the same with their roommate.
Susan Fee, author of
My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy!, offers these additional tips for parents:
Offer suggestions, not solutions. Help your son or daughter develop critical thinking skills by talking through scenarios, considering various outcomes and brainstorming solutions. Resist the temptation to tell them what to do or to handle the problem for them, which creates dependency and deprives them of the opportunity to practice conflict resolution skills for themselves.
Teach your daughter or son that conflict is an opportunity to think creatively. Conflict is inevitable because people are different. Even best friends will have differences in living habits, stress levels and communication styles. In a segment where GC seniors offered advice to incoming frosh about roommates, they said, “Conflict is chance to communicate with each other better,” “Relax and don’t take everything personally,” and “Be clean.” They also advised them to let their roommate know when they are heading to the shower so they are not locked out of their room in a moment of misunderstanding!
Encourage face-to-face conversations with their roommate. Many students today would rather communicate through e-mail, IM and text messaging rather than face-to-face, but messages can be misunderstood without facial expressions, tone of voice and body language. Complaining to others instead of discussing their concerns with their roommate will also make the situation worse.
Encourage your son or daughter to share expectations with their roommate. Roommates at GC are encouraged to complete a “Roommate Contract” that clarifies expectations for living together. Students are better able to anticipate how to communicate about music preferences, level of cleanliness, which items can be borrowed or shared or how to take messages for each other. Roommate contracts are available from their RA or RD.
Remind your student to ask for help before the situation becomes critical. Residence life staff will help to mediate, as long as the student has already tried to do their own problem solving. Don’t expect the RA to solve it at the first sign of trouble or to be able to fix it when it has deteriorated to the point of desiring a new roommate.
By providing moral support without fighting their battles for them, you show that you are confident in their abilities and affirm these opportunities for growth which will not only make their college years successful, but also the rest of their lives.
